Discovering personality flaws isn’t always my favorite thing to do…but sometimes it is necessary. My heart goes out to all of my friends for having to put up with it.
I have a problem showing love.
I never thought I did before. I always thought it was other people who rejected me and took me for granted. I’ve realized, however, that the opposite is more true. Many of the friends I hold most dear and closest to my heart feel like I don’t have time for them or that I don’t care to listen to what they have to say.
This is a problem.
My mother even feels this way. Like I’d rather be anywhere else but near her.
I wonder why this is…it’s so far from how I feel. Maybe I have ADD because it’s so hard for me to stay focused on one person for very long. I love all the people in my life so much; they all have a piece of my heart. How do I express that? How can I let them know how much they mean to me? I don’t think any of them have a clue.
It hurts me to know they perceive me that way. I can tell I hurt them by the way they respond to me. Alot of them talk about other friends to let me know that I’m not the only one, to let me know that there are people that love them and they don’t need me. Some show it in their eyes and in their voices; they’re scared of getting close to me because they don’t want to be rejected or to see me choose someone else over them. Others tell me flat out that they know I’m busy and they won’t try to spend time with me because I’ll most likely blow them off. And the list goes on…I need God to mold me into a person of true love. Someone who will go out of their way to make others feel important.
My dad said the other day that having many friends with different levels of intimacy, but none that you lean on, is a sign of a leader. I’d like to think that’s true, but if it is, it sure is a lonely role to play. I’d rather be the encourager, the best friend, the person they confide in. At times I am, but this whole ‘leader role’ is one I struggle accepting. Alot of the time my old insecurities will come to the surface.
The other day one of my closests friends mentioned a girl she called her ‘best friend’ and for some reason I went home and cried over it. God knows I’m not one that’s easily hurt. But I let her in so very close; for me that’s dangerous.
But I will NOT let the fear of being hurt or showing someone how much I need them and being vunerable become a snare. I will trust in the Lord with my heart, that means I give it to him to hold and protect, but I will also let people in. I will be vunerable in front of them, bare my whole heart and trust them enough not to hurt me. If they do hurt me, I will not retreat back into shallow relationships, but I will try again. If at first you don’t succeed, try again.
So now I’ll take things slow. Smiling every where I go, keeping a good attitude no matter what circumstances I’m in. Always praying, always trying my best to make other’s feel important and irreplacable. Trying to call people back…going out of my way, letting my friends know that I’m not untouchable! I do want to talk and I do have time for them!
I guess I’ll see what comes of this; I know God can heal my heart completely of the past and help me to love people unconditionally. Thank you, Jesus, for being a perfect leader. I will try my best to follow in your way of love.